Personal Notes to Dad and Brother

Family-Silhouette-3

So, I posted the main body of my family coming out letter yesterday and I said I would post the personal notes to my father and brother.  Parts of these are identical to my mother’s but I didn’t want to cut it out…so without further stalling…here they are:

Personal Note to Dad

Dad, growing up you set the image of what I thought I was supposed to be as a man.  I always wanted your love, respect, and admiration.  I know you have always loved me to death, and would do anything for me.  I know one of your biggest concerns in life is that I am safe.  I hope this is your biggest concern as I share this with you.  As a child, one of the safest places I’ve ever been in life, at least in my mind, along with some of my warmest memories I have, are when you’d wrap me up in a hug, and the feeling of absolute security that would envelope me.  I always felt like you’d always keep me safe.  Part of me still believes that, even while my adult self says that’s my job.  Your love and support just might do what part of me still believes it can…make everything OK, and keep me safe.  I know this will be weird at first, but my hope is that my slow transition will make it easier.  I can’t know for sure, but I want to believe like that little kid so many years ago…that you love me, and would never do anything to ever hurt me.

I think you know how hard this is for me to tell you, and I hope you can still love me, and that you will still want to be a part of my life, but I also must accept as I write this that there is the chance that I could be completely wrong, and so I partly write and send a letter to protect myself.  Next to Wife, there are three people in the world that have the power to lift me up and the power to destroy me.  You, Mom, and Brother are those three people.  As for the rest, I couldn’t give two shits what they think.  I’m past worrying about pleasing others, or trying to be what I think they want me to be.

When you decide to text me, or email me I want you to remember the following things as they are important to me.  Please do not call me in disbelief, anger, or the notion that you can get me to change my mind, or that this is a joke, or that it’s a phase, or that I’ve lost my mind.  Those things are non-starters for me.  Also, please don’t tell me that I’m going to fast…I’m 43 now, and have known I was different since 5…there is no such thing as too fast from where I stand.

So what can we talk about?  You can ask me questions, about the past, about me currently, or about the future.  You can ask me how I’m doing.  You can give me your love and support.  You can simply talk to me like you always have.  I’m still the same person on the inside, except I no longer feel burdened by having to hide things in my private life.

If I don’t hear from you, then I will know you can’t accept it yet, or you have anger and other issues to work through, and that is ok.  I will have to accept that, learn to deal with it, and live my life, because I can’t go backwards.

I know you and Mom will be worried and scared for me, and as my parents I would expect nothing else.  I am scared and worried for myself at times, but I also know that I don’t have a choice in this…for the first time I understand why someone might want to kill themselves over this, because I know the circumstances where I would do so, and it is a sobering realization.

Finally, I want you to know that I will be ok, and that I know what I am doing, as much as anyone can.  I’m actually looking forward to what the future brings…for the first time in my life.  I hope that you will be part of that future, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

 

Personal Note to Brother

I want you to know that I love you, and that if you are the brother and man that I think you are that this may take time to wrap your mind around, but that ultimately you can accept me for who I am, and get to know me that way.  No matter what, in my eyes, you will always be my little brother and I will always be there for you if you need me.

I hope you can still love me, and that you will still want to be a part of my life, but I also must accept as I write this that there is the chance that I could be completely wrong, and so I partly write and send a letter to protect myself.  Next to Wife, there are three people in the world that have the power to lift me up and the power to destroy me.  You, mom, and dad are those three people.  As for the rest, I couldn’t give two shits what they think.  I’m past worrying about pleasing others, or trying to be what I think they want me to be.

When you decide to pick up the phone and call me I want you to remember the following things as they will be important in having a real conversation.  Please do not call me in disbelief, anger, or the notion that you can get me to change my mind, or that this is a joke, or that it’s a phase, or that I’ve lost my mind.  Those things are non-starters for me.  Also, don’t tell me that I’m going to fast…I’m 43 now, and have known I was different since 5…there is no such thing as too fast from where I stand.

So what can we talk about?  You can ask me questions, about the past, about me currently, or about the future.  You can ask me how I’m doing.  You can give me your love and support.  You can simply talk to me like you always have.  I’m still the same person on the inside, except I no longer feel burdened by having to hide shit in my private life.

If I don’t hear from you, then I will know you can’t accept it yet, or you have anger and other issues to work through, and that is ok.  I will have to accept that, learn to deal with it, and live my life, because I can’t go backwards.

Please talk to mom and dad.  My letters to them will be more detailed about my past, and incidents that might help them connect the dots.  Also, please be there for them.  I can’t be there right now, and they may need you, so I am sorry to put this on you.  There’s no way to know for sure how they will take it.  I think mom will accept it faster than dad, but I could be wrong about that.  I know they will worry, be scared, and a multitude of other things.

I want you all to know that I will be ok, and that I know what I am doing, as much as anyone can.  I’m actually looking forward to what the future brings…for the first time in my life.  I hope that you will be part of that future, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love,

Letter to Mom

Mom

My parents and brother should be getting their letters today and so I wanted to begin to post those letters here.  As I’ve said before, I am using this blog to chronicle my transition, and this is a huge part of how it will go.  In addition, if this letter can help someone else craft their own message to loved ones then I am happy to share it here.  Names have been removed for privacy, and the journal entry I reference is the very first post on my home page, modified for greater brevity.  I will post the personal sides to my Dad and brother tomorrow…the body for all three is almost identical and you can see it here.  Hopefully they all respond as I expect them to and I will have something positive to write about next week, but either way I will write about honestly and from the heart.

Here is the letter as it was sent to my Mom:

Dear Mom,

I’ve thought long and hard about how I wanted to share the news I am about to share with you.  I opted to write a letter because I have always been better with expressing what I wanted to say on paper, and because I want to give you the opportunity to process and think about what I am about to share with you.  What I am about to tell you may not be easy for you to accept but it is real and it is happening.  Dad and Brother have or will be getting similar letters that I have written just for them.  I am sure you will probably talk to them before you talk to me, and that’s OK.  I know you will have concerns, worries, and questions and I am here to answer those questions when you are ready to talk.  This will be an emotional situation for all involved, and I am seriously exposing myself here like I will do for only my family.

By now you may be thinking I’m dying or some equally bad shit is happening, and I don’t want to draw out the tension any further, and so I will simply cut to the chase.  Over the past year I’ve been examining so much of who I am.  Part of it had to do with Daughter’s coming out and a big part of it had to do with something medically that was discovered about me.  Let me say right now…I am not dying, but mentally I was heading towards self-harm if I didn’t face certain truths about myself.

I want to begin with a quick biology lesson.  Everyone pretty much accepts that males are born with 46XY chromosomes and females are born with 46XX chromosomes.  This is pretty basic, but I found out I am not basic.  Doctors are pretty certain I was born with 46XY and 46XX chromosomes which makes me what is known as chimera intersex.  They know this because I have both XY and XX blood cells in my body, and that is typically the only way this can happen.  Unfortunately, this can only be confirmed in the womb or on an autopsy table, because it literally would mean my body is a patchwork of XY and XX on the inside.  I could have a kidney that is XX and a kidney that is XY.  The lining of my stomach could be XX, and the rest of my stomach could be XY.  I could have muscles that are XX and muscles that are XY (doctors think my right side might be heavily influenced by XX chromosomes).  Finally, parts of my brain and endocrine system could be XX as well.

How does this happen?  Well, most likely scenario is that there were two eggs fertilized, one male and one female.  As they descended right after conception the two zygotes fused together to become one.  If it had happened a little after it did then conjoined twins result, but instead I got lucky and hit the sweet spot…so essentially I absorbed my female twin and we became one person.

I’m intersex, now what?  Well, obviously there is more to it than that, and you may already have an idea of where I am going with this.  If I was born today, then doctors could have run the test that would have told them this, and they could have shared with you that based upon the Surgeon General’s recommendations that I should be allowed to grow up and determine my gender at puberty, as there is no way of knowing how I will feel as I get older, and how my brain will identify.  Unfortunately, I was born in 1974, before the test could be run, and when gender was simply decided by what could be seen with the eyes.

Without writing an autobiography connecting dots throughout my life (I’ve included a journal entry I wrote that discusses this to a point and am happy to talk about this if you need me to help you see those dots), suffice it to say I have known since the age of 5 that I was different.  I never felt like I fit in anywhere, but I also knew that talking about some of the feelings I had wouldn’t fly, and so I pushed them down and tried to be more like dad, be more like my friends, and simply keep so much to myself.  I wasn’t happy with myself as a child.  I know you can remember issues I had and much of those were tied to how I felt.  These feelings never went away, I just learned how to hide them better, and when you thought they might be for one reason, well, I just let you assume rather than tell you the truth.

As I got older I was both attracted to girls and jealous of what they had that I did not…on so many levels.  I sucked it up, and pushed on.  I would often find myself saying things like “If I was a girl…” always rationalizing that I could never be, and that I just had to make the best of what I had.  This would continue, the pattern of longing and denial until last year.  Daughter’s coming out made me face my past as I accepted that I could no longer run.  Coupled with finding out I was intersex these two things basically caused me to have a nervous breakdown this past summer.

Awareness of who I was, and internalized shame and self-hate had me verbally lashing out at Wife and the kids all summer, to the point that she was within weeks of taking the kids and leaving me, and I had no clue.  Finally, I accepted that I am intersex and also choose to identify as transgender.  Once I accepted this I talked with Wife and explained that I needed to get therapy.  I started therapy in August, and in October I also started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) to begin a transition to change my body from male to female.  Wife knows and accepts that I have to do this, and we have also told the kids.  At this time, things have calmed down and things are better than they have been in a long time within the family.  As for Wife and I, only time will tell, but she has been nothing short of amazing in her support, and knows that if I didn’t do this I would end up dead before 50.  I can also tell you that for the first time in my life, my brain feels calm and relaxed.  It feels “right.”

I am sure by now you’re looking at this saying “What the fuck?” and probably stunned or questioning how this is possible, or if I’ve lost my mind, or any number of scenarios.  All I can say is that this is 100% real, and it isn’t going away.  However, much thought has gone into the process of my transition to do it in the most responsible way possible.  The next time you see me I will not be in makeup and a dress.  HRT takes time to make changes and some have started, but if you were to see me right now, I don’t look any different.  For all involved, including myself, I am making a slow transition, meaning that I don’t anticipate major changes to how I live for at least 1.5 to 2 years, but physical changes could speed up or slow that timetable down.  My plan is to have a first round of surgeries before I’d go full time, and typically good surgeons want you to be on HRT for 1-2 years before they would even do surgery.

As for name and pronouns…I am good with the current ones for now.  I don’t expect people to call me she if I’m still out as a man in most ways.  I’m sure there will come a time when I want that to change, but for now I am ok.  When that time comes I will let you know, and we can deal with it then.

Now for my personal note to you:

I’ve been calling you less than I usually do, because it has been so hard not to tell you, and when I don’t I feel like I’m lying to you.  I have this huge thing going on and I’m not sharing it with the biggest cheerleader I’ve ever had.  Growing up I always felt like I was closer to you than dad.  That isn’t to say I loved you more, but that I identified with you more than him, regardless of how hard I tried to identify and be like him.  I had similar interests to you, was able to talk to you more easily, and I wanted desperately to be more like you, but I also knew I wasn’t, and most of my childhood believed that I could never be, so what was the point in wishing for something I could never have.

I did try on your clothes/cross dress up until a certain age.  I started to do this in 3rd grade.  I can still remember the first time I did it.  I’m sorry for that invasion of your privacy, and I can’t tell you why I did it the first time, but once I started I couldn’t stop until I got too big, and then I stopped because of a couple incidents where I did get caught by both you and dad.

I don’t want to rehash the past, or play the “what if?” game.  We talked in September about what would you have done if you and dad had to deal with this in the early 80s, and how you wouldn’t have known what to do.  Nobody would have.  It’s not like I ever said anything, and I don’t think there is any way you could have known.  I also don’t want you and dad to beat yourselves up over the fact that it took me until my forties to come out.  This isn’t on either of you, or anything you did or didn’t do.  It just is, and I wasn’t able to put words to it until recently.

I think you know how hard this is for me to tell you, and I hope you can still love me, and that you will still want to be a part of my life, but I also must accept as I write this that there is the chance that I could be completely wrong, and so I partly write and send a letter to protect myself.  Next to Wife, there are three people in the world that have the power to lift me up and the power to destroy me.  You, Dad, and Brother are those three people.  As for the rest, I couldn’t give two shits what they think.  I’m past worrying about pleasing others, or trying to be what I think they want me to be.

When you decide to pick up the phone and call me I want you to remember the following things as they are important to me.  Please do not call me in disbelief, anger, or the notion that you can get me to change my mind, or that this is a joke, or that it’s a phase, or that I’ve lost my mind.  Those things are non-starters for me.  Also, please don’t tell me that I’m going to fast…I’m 43 now, and have known I was different since 5…there is no such thing as too fast from where I stand. 

So what can we talk about?  You can ask me questions, about the past, about me currently, or about the future.  You can ask me how I’m doing.  You can give me your love and support.  You can simply talk to me like you always have.  I’m still the same person on the inside, except I no longer feel burdened by having to hide things in my private life.

If I don’t hear from you, then I will know you can’t accept it yet, or you have anger and other issues to work through, and that is ok.  I will have to accept that, learn to deal with it, and live my life, because I can’t go backwards.

Please help Dad and Brother to understand if they need it.  You are my mom, and I think of everyone you may accept it faster than they do.  I can’t imagine a world where you would give up on me, or Dad for that matter, even if this is one of the hardest things you’ve ever had to deal with as parents.  Dad can’t talk to me and ask questions, but he can email me or text me if he needs to, and I will tell him that.  I know you guys will be worried and scared for me, and as my parents I would expect nothing else.  I am scared and worried for myself at times, but I also know that I don’t have a choice in this…for the first time I understand why someone might want to kill themselves over this, because I know the circumstances where I would do so, and it is a sobering realization. 

Finally, I want you to know that I will be ok, and that I know what I am doing, as much as anyone can.  I’m actually looking forward to what the future brings…for the first time in my life.  I hope that you will be part of that future, and I hope to hear from you soon.

I love you,

My Style…Right Now

Secret-Shopping-Tricks

So, if you follow me on Twitter or are a friend on Facebook then you know that I have mailed out my “Coming Out” letters to family.  As such, I’m nervous and anxious, so I figured I’d stick to a light and fun post today…and leave the serious post for after I hear back from my parents.  There is much I want to talk about on that front, but will save that for early next week most likely.

With that being said, I wanted to talk about the expansion of my expression last week, and how away from work it is very hard for me to simply wear “guy” clothes anymore.  However, there is a vast array of clothing that fits my casual style, and can present more androgynous if the outfit is put together a certain way.  I’m not one for skirts and dresses yet, because I simply do not have the body for either, and at least for me I won’t wear things that don’t make me look good.  Just because I love the red patterned pencil skirt paired with the creme colored silk 3/4 sleeve blouse in the window at the mall doesn’t mean I think it will look good on me.  Wearing things that make me feel “mannish” doesn’t make me feel better or pretty, it makes me feel horrible.  Just because they make it in my size, also doesn’t mean it will look good on me, and it is a must that however I present…I do it well.

So, all that said, what do I buy and what do I wear?  I know style, and I dressed my wife for years.  I put together outfits that look good on me, and fit my sense of self.  I am an outdoorsy hippie girl for the most part, and so my casual style reflects that.  I am also a trans woman in her early forties, and so I also keep that in mind.  The idea is to present well, and not to get clocked.  I’m all for another girl wearing what she wants, but I don’t need to wear dresses and heels to tell me I’m a female.  This seems to be an overriding assumption of many people that trans women have to wear dresses and makeup…and it’s bullshit.

I’m an athlete who loves to play soccer, and I’m a backpacker with over 3,000 miles hiked…I wear clothing that suits who I am…not who the world thinks I should be.  So feel free to check out some of the items I bought to allow me to feel more comfortable in my own skin as my transition moves along.

Before getting into my clothing purchases below, I wanted to highlight something and that is the beauty of online shopping.  Currently I wear a 14/16 in pants, and am certain my ass looks better than most women who wear the same size (cis or trans), but I wear an 18/20 (XXL) in tops, unless tanks and then I can wear an XL in most.   For the trans woman just beginning to spread her wings most major retailers offer extended sizing and the freedom to shop without the constant lurking sales girl who tends to follow you throughout an actual physical store.  Most retailers offer free returns, and so I make it a habit of ordering what I want in multiple sizes as I’m between two at the moment.  I can try things on in the comfort of my home and return the sizes that do not work for me.  This is especially nice for foundational wear, as I’m nowhere near the point where I feel comfortable going into a dressing room to try on bras, etc.

Now…onto the clothing (I’ve included hyper links to all clothing still available online for anyone interested)…and I will note that the only thing I’ve actually tried on to date is a pair of jeans I already own.  The rest will be arriving in the coming days.

North Face Mascot Ringer T-Shirts

For me, after a day of work I am all about comfort, as I am most weekends.  Still being bigger in the shoulders and back it isn’t easy to find women’s shirts in XXL sizing.  North Face does carry a large number.  I love these colors and graphics…and can layer with long sleeve shirts underneath on a winter day along with a fleece or down vest.

North Face Aphrodite 2.0 Pants

Being a soccer player and hiker I have bigger legs, which are still heavily muscled.  I actually like my legs, but not all pants seem to fit them.  The Aphrodite pant is perfect for the outdoors or for just chilling around town.  I spend most of my time outside of work running around with the kids, and so casual is what I want.  The pants are definitely for women, but also don’t bring a second glance in public which is what I want where I currently am at in transition.

North Face Morninglory 2 Jacket

North Face Morninglory 2 Fleece Jacket

Again, bigger shoulders means I need to deemphasize.  It also means I need to find XXL jackets and the Morninglory 2 fits that bill.  I got it in the vintage white above, and can’t wait for it to come.  This is much more my style for winters in north Georgia.

Prana Halle Pants & Prana Louisa Pants

These pants are right up my alley (no pun intended!).  I’ve had my eye on the Louisa pants for awhile and and the Halle pants come recommended by a friend as her go to pants.  Again, they’re the perfect about town pants, or equally as good for outdoor gatherings which suits me just fine.

Keen Jasper

Keen Jasper

So, I bought these shoes because I needed some cute outdoorsy shoes, and I’ve loved the Keen brand for awhile.  Obviously I bought these with the clothes that I’m getting in mind.  The link above is to the woman’s shoe, but they also have them in many of the same colors in men’s sizing for us gals with bigger feet.  I’ve already got my eye on the black ones with the purple laces, but went with the ones above for my initial purchase.

American Eagle Skinny Jeans & American Eagle Skinny Kick Jeans

I LOVE American Eagle jeans.  I’ve bought the male versions for awhile, and already have a lighter pair of the women’s skinny jeans which are my favorite pair now.  They have just the right amount of stretch, and I think my legs look great in them.  I decided to order the darker pair of skinny, and then after finding my old cowboy boots decided to go ahead and get the Kick Jeans as well.  Online AEO sells them in extended sizing up to 20, and in short, regular, long, and extra long.

Gap Sweater

Gap Long-Sleeved Open Front Cardigan

Love these over-sized sweaters as they de-emphasize the shoulders and can be worn with just about anything.  They’re also usually super comfy.  I already have a similar one from American Eagle, and decided to take a chance on this one from Gap as I got it for less than half the original price on Cyber Monday.  I usually need a Tall, but am hoping that the regular XXL will do the trick as I want it to fit more loosely on me.  For me, I’m all about over-sized sweaters and have a feeling these will be staple in my wardrobe for some time to come.

Gap Bralette

Gap Seamless Racerback Bralette

I am at the point that I do need some extra support at times, or by the end of the day I can be somewhat sore.  As I’m not a fan of pain I’ve gone to wearing bralettes under tank tops and shirts now.  I’m hoping that these seamless ones will hide better under male dress shirts and so I picked up one in the above color and one in white.

Aerie Boybrief & Aerie Hi-Cut Bikini

Aerie is becoming a staple in my closet, and while designed for younger women…I love their stuff and find it well made.  I’m especially falling in love with their undies.  Made of better materials than what Victoria’s Secret is using today, I decided to start switching over as I’m about to go down an undie size.  Last week they were running a crazy deal, 10 pairs for $35!  Too good to pass up so I ordered ten pairs all in my smaller size.  I’m a huge fan of their Shine line, but have also decided to try a couple other materials with this order.  The Boybrief is akin to most lines’ hipster undies, and when they have them the hi-cut bikinis are some of the most comfortable I’ve ever worn, considering the junk I have to smuggle around…plus their undies are just plain cute.

                       Kavu Rope Sling Bag & Kavu Mondo Spender Wallet

One thing most women know is that women’s pants pockets are almost purely decoration, and so I am sick of carrying things in my hands whenever I wear them.  Plus I also have a need/desire to start carrying more things with me.  The Kavu bag is outdoorsy, which fits my style, and is androgynous enough to fill the role of a first purse/bag for me.  Obviously, I also need a wallet as I can’t stand the wallet bulge that is really noticeable in women’s jeans.  This is a big step for me, and I actually can’t wait for them to come in the mail.

 

So, now those who follow me have a pretty good idea of my casual style in the evening and on weekends.  All told I spent close to $1,000 this week, but considering I have almost nothing in my female wardrobe any woman knows that really isn’t much money at all.  Depending on how everything fits once it comes in, I may order another pair of Prana pants, and a couple more North Face t-shirts, but we’ll see how that goes.

HRT: One Month Update

one_month_anniversary_greeting_card-r21cef66669a04f0b83739bab524f8b64_xvuat_8byvr_512Hard to believe I’ve been on HRT for one month already.  When I took my first dose of three little pills I was ecstatic.  Finally!  I would start down the road of aligning my body with my mind, and I went into it with zero preconceived notions of what would happen first, or how it would affect me exactly.  I certainly had hopes or a wishlist of sorts in how it would begin to change my me, but to anyone who has been on it for a month or a year we all know that there are many factors that will determine how we are affected and how fast things begin to happen.

Now, in general most professionals use the following chart or similar guidelines that detail the:

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It should be understood that these are only generalizations, and as stated genetics, age, starting dosage, and absorption of blockers and hormones will all impact this.  Environmental factors such as the use of nicotine (which is known to inhibit the absorption of estrogen), diet, etc. may also have varying degrees of impact on medical transition.

I can state without a doubt that some of the effects and changes discussed in  the chart have very clearly begun to happen in my body while other things have not.

Going down the list I want to touch upon each as it relates to me, and most of what I mention has been observed by a friend, my wife, or I have been able to measure it, and so can be confirmed.  At the end of talking about the list I will discuss changes in measurements from Day 1 to the start of my second month on HRT.

Now, on to the chart!

  • Body fat redistribution, 3-6 months?  For me, this started to make an appearance in my third week, and mainly presented in my abdomen on the right side and just a little bit on my butt.  The right side of my midsection has narrowed at my waist and my abs there appear to have an extra layer covering them which makes them less pronounced than the left side when I flex my abdominal muscles.  It is clearly visible, and when I asked my wife if she could see what has changed, she was able to point it out with out my needing to give her any hints.  As for my ass, very slight rounding to the bottom of my butt.  I’ve always had a typical flat “white man’s ass”…it is no longer “flat” but it certainly isn’t where I want it to be yet.  Yet, all the same, even the slightest change makes me happy on this front.
  • Decreased muscle mass/strength, 3-6 months?  Nope, again three weeks was where I began to notice an increase in muscle fatigue.  In addition, there has also been some muscle loss, although I haven’t noticed a huge decrease in muscle strength as of yet, except in a couple areas.  My forearms are noticeably sleeker and smaller.  My feet have also narrowed/begun to thin out, something my wife pointed out just a couple days ago was how my feet no longer look like “Fred Flinstone” feet. Instead, my toes look much thinner as do my feet.  Shoes are looser, but I still think this has to do, in part, with weight loss as well.  My shoulders have gotten smaller as well, but I’m not ready to claim this is HRT, and may very well simply be the result of not using those muscles anymore.  However, I can say that my pectoral muscles are shrinking, but are receding outward from my breastbone.  A month ago I could pinch my hand by flexing them.  I can no longer do this, and can a see a visible difference when flexing those muscles in the mirror.  In addition, measurements also support that I am losing muscle mass in many places.
  • Softening of skin/decrease of oiliness, 3-6 months?  Yeah, this guideline is bullshit as I know many girls who noticed a softening in the first month.  The skin on my face, my hand, and my whole body is softer.  My kids notice it, my wife notices it, and even friends have said to me they can see it in my face.  Oiliness has definitely decreased as well on my face.  If I do not moisturize, the skin around my eyes almost becomes chapped.
  • Decreased libido, 1-3 months?  Mmmm, maybe, and I say that because the way I see sex has already changed, but not sure if that is my libido.  Regardless, I don’t think about sex as much as I used to, and the urge to take care of “business” is not the same.  I still masturbate, but as I’ve discussed before, there is no urgent need to do it.  If the urge strikes and I have the time and inclination I do it.  If the urge strikes and I am busy, then I move on.  I also don’t think about sex all day long anymore.  In fact, when I do it is often to chuckle that I haven’t been thinking about it.
  • Decreased spontaneous erections, 1-3 months?  Again, maybe.  I still get morning wood, often when I have to pee in the morning, but otherwise at 43, these don’t happen anymore for me.  Being older I don’t have those problems, and am at the point where manual stimulation is needed.  I can still get erect enough for penetration, but physical contact is needed or nothing happening.
  • Erectile dysfunction, variable?  Probably, I don’t have ED yet, and so I cannot comment as to when this will happen.
  • Breast growth, 3-6 months? For me, this was week two, my nipples clearly changed.  At three weeks, it was obvious that I had a small amount of breast tissue on the underside of what were my “pecs”, and as a good friend said to me, “Hon, you don’t have pecs anymore, you have breasts”  This is clearly evident when comparing my chest to a picture I took of my naked torso a month before HRT.  My lower chest is most definitely drooping more, even though I have lost ten pounds since the pre-HRT pic was taken.  In addition I have definite breast buds, with breast tissue spreading out to both side from my nipples.  I had my wife not only look at, but also feel them.  She confirmed that I definitely have breast tissue.  I will also admit on breast development that it is completely random as to how fast development will occur and when it will begin.  There are girls like me who see breast growth earlier, and then there are those who see little in the first year.  Perhaps my size, existing fat, and genetics gave me the perfect storm, and while I have tissue, my breasts may not grow much in the next month.  Regardless my days of going shirtless in public are past me.
  • Decreased testicular volume, 3-6 months?  Mine still seem the same size, but they are reacting differently to stimulation.  I notice that they are more sensitive in a pleasurable way, and that just before orgasm, while they’ve always moved up, now they not only move up, but they climb up into my body as I’m about to orgasm.  This is something new, and I don’t know if it happens to others, but I just want to make note of it.
  • Decreased sperm production, variable?  I think this has started, but am not measuring it, just my own “scientific” observation.  I still have production, but it does seem that what comes out is a little less than before HRT.  In addition, I only have noticed a decrease beginning in the fourth week on HRT.
  • Hair in general, 6-12 months?  I can’t speak to this at all.  I haven’t noticed anything on this front.  In addition, I begin laser hair removal this coming Friday, and so that will obviously skew anything I do notice.
  • Male Pattern Baldness:  I don’t have MPB, and so I can’t speak to it, although I do have an area in the front of my hair line that hasn’t receded, but has thinned a little.  I am hoping it eventually comes back.  Girls I know, who have seen hair regrowth, have told me they didn’t see this happen until around the seven month mark, so I will keep an eye on my hairline, and report when I do notice something, if anything.

Now, as for measurements…well, I think there has been a significant change based upon measurements taken on day one, and at the end of the first month on HRT.

Day 1, Month 1 measurements:

  • Weight:  244lbs
  • Chest:  42.5 inches
  • Waist:  38 inches
  • Pant/male waist:  40 inches
  • Hips:  43 inches
  • Neck:  16 inches
  • Bicep:  15 inches
  • Wrist:  7 inches
  • Ankle:  9.5 inches

 

Day 1, Month 2 measurements

  • Weight:  238lbs
  • Chest:  41 inches
  • Waist:  36 inches
  • Pant/male waist:  38 inches
  • Hips:  41.5 inches
  • Neck:  15.5 inches
  • Bicep:  14.25 inches
  • Wrist:  6.75 inches
  • Ankle:  9 inches

Up until my first month on HRT, I had been averaging over ten pounds lost a month, but this past month I did not lose as much weight, and saw a significant loss in inches on my body.  I found this fascinating, as again, I literally lost an inch in some places going from week three to week four, at around the same time I noticed a change to the right side of my mid-section.

As for my face, other than skin I haven’t really noticed any changes.  It is possible that my chin is more prominent now, but that could also be due to weight loss, or simply to having had a beard for the past ten years.  My point is I don’t jump up to claim HRT did it, but I can’t argue with the difference in measurements.   I really am in awe of my body right now.

All this talk of body, and I haven’t talked about my brain at all, and this is where I am most happy with the changes from HRT.  The first week on HRT I felt awful, and then during the second week my brain began to right itself.  By the third week it felt like the storm in my brain had ceased, and for the first time I felt “right.”  It’s hard to describe, but I do see the world differently, and I’m more thoughtful now in how I might react to something said or done, and before I speak or react…most of the time.  My emotions are available to me, and sometimes they react before my brain, but I don’t mind this.  I have cried more in the past month than in the past ten years, and I wouldn’t give this up for the world.  A week ago, for the first time since I was a child, I had a cleansing cry that left me feeling lighter afterwards.  It was wonderful, for someone, who for most of her adult life was not able to cry even when she desperately wanted to.

Subconsciously, I have caught myself physically moving or expressing more in a feminine manner at times.  One of the first things I noticed is how I now cross my arms.  I realized about a week ago that I no longer cross my arms over my chest, and without conscious thought started to cross my arms under my chest.  This simple change amazed me.  Other things I’ve noticed might be the way I stand, sit, or hold something while walking, or simply the way I walk.  Whenever I notice something, and realize I wasn’t consciously doing it, I find myself laughing in amazement.  I only catch it maybe 2-5 times in a day, but the point is that these things aren’t happening with conscious thought.

I also am finding that I have to work harder to mask Allie, and be “him”.  It’s a chore I do not enjoy, but I do it for my job and family.  However, I do find myself wanting to avoid situations where I have to play “him”, and if it isn’t necessary I avoid placing myself in those situations.  I’ve even started cutting certain things out of my life in order to avoid playing boy.

I also finding a desire, at times, to battle my timetable for transition.  It’s the pubescent teenager in me that desires to run when the right thing to do is to walk.  My body is changing, but has a long way to go, and most of my changes can not be seen when clothed.  I’m not stupid about this, and luckily I have a wife and friends who are accepting that I am female, and who treat me as the woman I am.

I now find comfort and joy in female friendships.  I feel free to express as myself around friends I am out to, and I am lucky to have made some new friends in the past month.  It means so much to be accepted as myself.  While I have many wonderful friends on social media, and feel free to express to them, it is not the same as being able to get together to talk and spend physical time with other women.  Physical contact/presence really does affect me on a new level now, and in a way that is definitely positive for me.

Overall, I couldn’t be happier with how things are progressing on HRT, and am so happy that I’ve accepted myself and am moving forward.  The fact that my brain feels “right” is all the validation I need to know that transition is what I need most right now.  I can’t wait to see what “Month Two” has in store for me, and future months as well.  I will admit I can’t see myself in the mirror yet, but there have been a couple moments where I thought I almost could.  My body is another matter, and while still very masculine in build, there are also definitely feminine elements that are showing up when looking at my naked body, and that does help me to feel more feminine.  These positives often give me the gas I need to move through another week with a positive attitude.

 

What if I was Truly Alone?

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“What if I was truly alone?”  This thought hit me on the way to work this morning, and it terrified me.  “What if my wife told me to leave?”  I haven’t told my parents or my brother that I’m transgender yet.  My wife and kids know, a cousin knows, friends at work, but not the people I grew up with in the same house.  Why haven’t I told them yet?

I keep telling myself that I’m waiting for more changes to happen first, but is that really going to make the shock easier to bear for them?  Is it going to make it somehow easier for them to wrap their minds around, or to dispel forty years of the person they thought/believed they knew?  I don’t think there is anything that makes it easier, but it is something they have to accept if they want to be in my life, and I really would like that.  I really would like them to know the real me.  I really want my parents to get to know their daughter, and my brother to get to know his sister.  I hope they can get to a place where they want that as well, and I hope that it will come sooner rather than later.

Yesterday, I spoke with my mother, and every time she asks me what is going on with me, I want to tell her.  Heck, I’ve been calling her less than I usually do, because it is so hard to not tell her, and then I feel like I’m lying because I don’t.  I have this huge thing going on and I’m not sharing it with the biggest cheerleader I’ve ever had.  It’s hard, and even now I fight back tears as I think about my relationship with her.  I grew up closer to my mom than my dad.  I was more bookish, like her, and more open with my feelings.  I also wanted to be like her, but never shared that with her.  My mom has become far more liberal and open as she has gotten older, and so I think she will be the first to get past it and accept me, but she may also have it even harder as I’m her first, her baby, and sometimes that makes it really hard for mothers to let go.  I can only hope that when I write her letter, it will express in such a way that when she calls me to talk, the first words out of her mouth will be that she loves me and she is there for me.

As for my father?  I grew up striving to be like him, seeing him as image of what I was supposed to be as a man, and I fashioned my adult male persona after him, at least as much as I could.  I always wanted his love, and even more his respect and admiration.  If he ever reads this, I don’t say the next part to hurt, it’s how I felt/feel.  I love him so much, so I don’t want him to ever think I thought he loved me any less, but I did feel often while growing up that my brother was his favorite.  I know as an adult that he related to my brother better, and duh, that should be obvious why, especially now.  However, growing up I often wondered what I could do to change that, but never could figure it out.  As an adult I figured it out to a point.  Work hard, be a good parent, make good decisions and I earned his respect.  By forty I finally felt like I had earned what I always sought.  At least that’s what I thought/how I felt.  I will say that I know he has always loved me to death, and would do anything for me.  He doesn’t always say it, more as he’s gotten older, but his biggest concern in life is that we are safe.  I want to believe this will be his biggest concern when he finds out.  One of the safest places I’ve ever been in life, at least in my mind, along with some of my warmest memories are when he’d wrap me up in a hug, the smell of his cologne, and the feeling of absolute security that would envelope me.  Dad would make sure everything was OK.  He’d always keep me safe.  Part of me still believes that, even while my adult self says that’s my job.  His love and support just might do what part of me still believes it can…make everything OK, and keep me safe.  I think he will come around.  It may be weird at first, but my hope is that my slow transition will make it easier.  I can’t know for sure, but I want to believe like that little kid so many years ago…My daddy loves me, and would never do anything to ever hurt me.

And then there is my brother.  Three years younger, he has always been somewhat easy going and accepting.  I think it may be easiest for him, but I could also be wrong the opposite way as I was his “big brother” and all that went with it.  I’d look out for him, be protective of him, bail him out when he’d get in trouble, and we’ve had some great adventures together in our younger adult years.  I love him to death, and would drop anything if he needed me.  I love his kids to death as well.  I have to think his worries will about how his kids and wife take it.  He will think of his family and how they will explain it to the kids.  Both are still young, and so I think the handling of it won’t be bad, but one can never know for sure.  If I know my brother, I think I will get a call one day telling me that he may not get it, but that he loves me and if that is who I am then it may take a little time but he accepts me and will have to get used to it.

Now, if all this goes south, and they go in a direction I can’t imagine, I’m not sure what I will do.  I know my wife will be protective of me on this matter, and that she will be there for me, but to be rejected by those you love is never an easy thing.  In this case could be earth shattering on some level.  I have to be ready that this could happen, and so it is another reason I choose to send letters.  It gives them a chance to process and reach out when they are in good places, and if they’re not…well, I can always hang up the phone.  My father taught me to only put on paper that which you are willing for the world to see, and so I will put to paper my authentic self, and my love of my family.  I am happy to share those things with the world.

If the letters I will eventually post can help one other trans person navigate their own coming out in a positive way, then the sharing will be worth it.  This is no easy thing, and I anticipate the writing of the letters to be a major cry-fest.  This has, by far, been the most emotional post I have written to date, and I get why.  It’s the most emotional thing I have grappled with since freeing my emotions, and I’ve been in tears throughout the writing of it, having to stop several times as I wrestle with my feelings.  That’s how it should be, isn’t it?  We should feel emotional about those we love, and hope they feel the same about us.

In the end, I believe this is just a reboot to the relationship with my family.  They will get a better me, a more engaged me, and a me that no longer feels she needs to hide her real self.  The positive me can’t help but think, “How can they not want to know the real me?”  I’m so much a better person than “he” ever was.  I am actually happy with who I am for the first time ever, and what’s not to love about that?

UGH…Dysphoria!

tumblr_nx7bzoPvTg1ueo1azo1_500I’ve never really talked about my dysphoria here, at least not with the intent of making it the sole topic of a blog post.  Some might think that with the start of HRT and the steps I’ve been taking to move forward that it would get better or lessen.  However, I am realizing that this will not be my reality, at least not for some time to come.  Now, I can say I don’t think any one episode will be as bad as the one that had me dealing with a nervous breakdown of sorts this past summer.  Instead, the big “D” has chosen to ride my shoulder almost daily now.

HRT has opened me up to my emotions, and I am so thankful for this.  It allows me to feel in a way that I don’t ever remember feeling, but little things impact my emotions and moods far more than ever before.  Coffee and conversation with a friend can leave me riding high throughout the rest of the day, but a negative event can also send my mood crashing down and this is where the demon always waits for me.

These low moments can come almost out of nowhere, and they can almost cripple.  I can feel almost as if I’m Alice about to tumble down the rabbit hole, and it is in these moments where I get how easy it is for one to contemplate suicide.  Fall down the rabbit hole, and who knows where it might take you.  It won’t be anywhere good, that I can assure you.  Parents, friends, loved ones often blame themselves that they never saw it coming, and I would say to them in many cases…you never will.

Why?  Trans people are masters at hiding.  We lie to ourselves and to the world.  The older we get, the better we get at it.  So, you can imagine how good someone is at it by 20?…what about 40?  I can see a lie coming a mile away, and I can see a scammer or con artist just about every time.  Liars know liars.  Now, I don’t call myself a liar to hate on myself.  Rather, I simply am speaking the truth.  I prefer honesty, but the world forces me to lie to satisfy it’s needs.  Heaven forbid the freak out herself at work, or make others uncomfortable because they have to look at her.  Thoughts like this let’s the demon and mind take over, and boy can they both get nasty…

You’ll never be feminine enough!…You’re voice is too deep, it will never pass!…People will never see you as a woman!…You’re destroying your family!…You’ll lose you’re job over this!…Maybe you’re better off continuing to live as a man?…If things get too bad, you could always kill yourself!

All of those are thoughts that have gone through my head at one point or another…in the past week.  I’m not alone in this, I would venture to say most trans people have all had similar thoughts in the past week, we just don’t let on.  We don’t share.  We might hint to other transpeople, or close trans friends, but this is not something we usually talk about with our cis family and friends.

Why?  They would take us as suicidal or crazy…because they can’t get it.  They can’t understand how we feel on the inside.  The constant rub that we will never be 100% how we want to be, how we want to be seen…hell, how we want to see ourselves.

I have a friend who transitioned over a decade ago.  She’s pretty, fits into cis-society perfectly, and unless she shares…nobody would ever know…and even she still get’s hit by the demon.  As she puts it, “I can be perfectly fine 95% of the time, but I’ve accepted that is as good as it is going to get.  The other 5% of the time can be bad, and it’s all in my head.”

Knowing I’m not alone is huge.  Knowing there are people who get me, means so much.  This is why we have community after all, and why trans folk can often seem cliquish to outsiders.  It’s the old safety in numbers.  I am thankful for it, although I haven’t dealt with near the hate or bullying that many have, and not being completely out I’m still insulated, and I probably always will be due to my age and life experience to this point.  I simpy don’t care what others think…the only thing that can really hurt me…is me…and I do just fine on that front.

Now, it may seem that I just shit on cis folk, and that is not the intent.  I love my cis friends and family dearly.  Their support is vital to my well-being.  While I say they can’t get it, that doesn’t mean they can’t be there for me.  Sometimes just listening to this crazy bitch vent, can be enough to relax or cool me off.  Many times I am also slow to talk about what is going on in my crazy mind.  As I shared with a friend yesterday (and I think this is a fear of many trans people), I don’t want to be that drama queen that makes her start to cringe every time I send a text.  In short, I don’t want to be a burden or bother to those I care about.

People often tell me that I’m brave, courageous, inspirational, etc.  While part of me feels good to receive such praise…if I’m honest, part of me also cringes on the inside.  I do so because I don’t often feel this way.  Instead I usually feel the opposite.  I often feel like I’m a coward still hiding in the safety of her man suit, and that effort to hide causes much of my mental exhaustion in and of itself.

When my mind is right I understand that the way I am transitioning is a necessity born out of having a family, and the need to provide for them financially.  There is nothing cowardly about this.  It is the responsible thing to do as a spouse and a parent, but still I feel sometimes that I’m not being authentic to myself, and each day on HRT, playing the man becomes more and more exhausting.  For work, I can maintain the part, but for other things I’m finding myself becoming apathetic towards things that I once gained joy from doing.  This apathy is born from the knowledge that to do those things I have to do them as “Him”.

Today, I will be letting the guys on my soccer team know that I can no longer play with them due to medical reasons.  Now let me say, I LOVE to play footy.  I love everything about the sport, but I just don’t want to play as him anymore, I just can’t do it.  Playing with all men, while I have this secret that I can’t share turns my stomach.  I hope to go back to play one day, and have already been told when I’m ready that I can join a woman’s team (I’m out to the league director, a wonderful lady), but that may be 1-2 years away at the very least.  Initially, I intended to play through this season and step away come May, but certain developments have made me rethink this position.

This is just another step to remove myself from circumstances and circles that can heighten my dysphoria.  One less “all male” thing I have to do is one less chance for me to fixate on being seen in all my “male” glory…which makes me cringe.  It used to be that the sport and competition helped to alleviate dysphoria, but just being with all the guys as one of the guys…is now making it worse.

I also share the above, because I do have a handful of male friends who know about me, and they have been great.  While I have been reluctant to engage, I do value their friendships, and it has nothing to do with them as people. Right now, being with men, any man, makes it hard for me to feel free to express as Allie.  It’s nothing that they do, but it is everything with how I see myself.  That is the thing to remember about dysphoria, it’s all in my head.  I can let others affect me, but they can’t take my dysphoria away…only I can push it down.

My broad shoulders, back, and voice…these are my biggest dysphoric triggers…my facial hair follows those up closely, but that can easily be remedied with laser/electro, money, and time.  The others require time, genetics, work, and some luck.  Granted I could get vocal chord surgery, and may very well do so, but the other things I often find myself fixating on, and this is why so many trans people hate mirrors.

People used to think I was vain because I could never walk past a mirror without looking.  It was never about vanity, but rather about the reflection that I could never, and still can’t feel good about what I see in the mirror.  Today, I can look at my reflection, and see a good looking 42 year old man smiling back, but he isn’t me.  I can’t see me yet, and it frustrates and saddens me at times.  I look for myself now, and am waiting for the day I catch that first glimpse.  Hell, I’m longing for that day, but it hasn’t come yet.  Some trans people can’t stand to have mirrors because of how dysphoric their image makes them.  I won’t say that it is quite that bad for me, but there are days when I absolutely can’t stand what I see.  It used to make me angry…now it just makes me sad.  I have hope now that it will change, but that change can’t come fast enough, and dysphoria makes me wonder if the changes I want will ever come, or if the changes will be so minimal that they will barely be noticed.

In the end, dysphoria sucks, but that is life as a trans person.  It seems it will be my eternal burden, and am learning to deal with that truth.  My hope is that like my friend, with each passing day the good ones become more numerous.  If I can get to the point where I am good 95% of the time…I’d take that percentage all day long.

HRT UPDATE

To step away from the negative I will take a moment to talk positive by sharing changes that I am noticing, and I will admit I’m a mix of excited and “what the fuck?”, only because I’m trying to figure out how to work some things if the muscle doesn’t start dropping off soon, and why is this a concern of mine?

Because I am already getting BOOBS!  Yes, my girls are slowly starting to take advantage of the small amount of fat I have over my pecs…which are still pretty large.  I noticed last night that the fat now has a layer in it that feels more firm…not sure what to make of it, but it isn’t the same as what was there before.  I admit my mind could be fucking with me, so I will let it play out for a couple more weeks to see what is what.  While the fat composition could be debated, what cannot is that my nipples are definitely in transition.  They are already getting bigger, and are more sensitive.  I also am noticing something is happening behind them, and they are ever so slightly sore if I rub them.  They are also becoming slightly erogenous, as touching them a certain way can elicit sensitivity/tiny sparks down below.

My skin is changing, a friend who knows about me said to me yesterday that she can see it around my eyes and on my cheeks.  She said it looks softer.  Now, it hasn’t changed much yet, but I also have noticed that it is starting to get drier.  If I forget to moisturize, then it can feel as if my forehead and cheeks are tight and have been windburned.

My body hair seems to be growing more slowly on my lower legs…could also be in my mind, but it seems like growth on my lower legs has slowed by half…four days after shaving, my legs look like they did two days after shaving just a week ago.  Unfortunately, my chest hair seems to be growing back faster, so go figure.

My body composition might be starting to change…I had a slight increase in weight of five pounds over the last two weeks.  I have since lost that weight this week, but its eems without really losing weight that my male waist has lost almost a notch on my belt.  There’s also a greater leaness to my upper back, and my legs seem a little smaller…but all of this is just going off how my clothes are fitting me.  I could be imagining it. What I do know for sure is definition is down in my shoulders, and my forearms and wrists both have gone down about half an inch in size. My legs also seem thinner, but may just be more defined from weight loss.

My sweat and body odor seem to be slightly less, and slightly less offensive, but still in the male range for both.  I’m just noticing I don’t stink quite as bad after an hour of working out.

My sense of smell seems to be starting to change a little…I occasionally smell food, or other smells, and am like…Wow, that smells better than it used to or much worse…but this is inconsistent and not a constant.

As for expression…I’m feeling more myself in this area than anywhere else.  It felt so good to get together with another woman and just…talk…share…and be myself.  No masking, no posturing, and no worries about what she would think.  I didn’t feel like she was seeing him, heck I didn’t even think about him…I just expressed as me.  That also brings me to unconscious things I will find myself doing now.  Sometimes I will sit a certain way, start to walk a certain way, hold my hand a certain way…in what I would call a more feminine manner.  It always makes me laugh a little when I find myself doing it, because I didn’t actively think about doing it…I just did it.

Trigger Warning:  Sex talk

…and by sex talk I mean masturbation…it’s the only way things are happening these days, and because I also want to know when and how things are changing in that department, and as they change…so people…I do this for science!

What I can say is that it is different, but much of this can be mental as I don’t desire to touch myself in the way I used to.  Lighter touch is sufficient.  I can touch myself in much the same way any woman might, and I can get where I want to go.  My mind also has to be right, or nothing doing.  The build up has gotten slower and longer in the last week…and I’m also beginning to notice a change in quantity and consistency, but this is still very minor…but it’s definitely there.

My desire to masturbate has also changed.  I don’t think about sex that often anymore, and when I do, it doesn’t get me cranked up like in the past.  Making the decision to masturbate is kind of like…should I have a cup of coffee or should I masturbate?  Part of me couldn’t care either way…it’s more a curiosity than a need…and this is a shift that has occurred in the last few days.  Now I do it because I want to track change, or because I simply want the endorphin rush due to feeling shitty or stressed about something.

As for sexuality…I’m accepting that at minimum I will be bi-sexual post transition.  I still find women very attractive, but admit a sexual curiosity towards men…but have no interest in exploring until I feel more myself, more feminine.  I’m also married to a woman, and not a cheater…so that also can’t be discounted.

Anyways, I share about sexuality for posterity, and because I think this will be a hoot to come back and read in two years time.  I will try and touch base on changes every week or two if there is something worth noting.  Anyways, I need to get back to work, and have been interrupted a few times, so I’m gonna end with this, and hope maybe to do an audio post this weekend, but no promises.

 

Voice Sample #2 Do Over!!!

(Update:  I just re-did my voice sample in a conversational manner and also shared my natural voice at the end.  This is how I will do voice samples in the future…as it’s how I talk.  There is no doubt pitch is deeper, but with improvements to voice patterns, etc. I think this will do me well in the end.)

Last month I posted a voice sample and said I would share one each month moving forward to track my progress and to get feedback from others as to what they think.  I appreciate honest criticism, but please do not get nasty.  I’m trying to decide if I need to pay a voice coach, or if I simply need to keep practicing.