So, I haven’t written much lately. This is partly due to it being the busy season at work, and because I have just chosen to do other things with my time, mainly socialize on social media and via text with friends. Sometimes you need a break from thinking about heavy things, and lately when I’ve had the urge to write, I simply haven’t had the time and then the mood passes.
I titled this post “Apathy” and I don’t want anyone to confuse this as an overall feeling I have for life, because I’m actually more hopeful than anything. Rather, it is something I realized about my marriage, romantic life, and so much else I just don’t have the energy or desire to focus on.
My wife and I had “the talk” a couple of weeks ago, and it was totally unplanned, as those things often are. I had enjoyed a good therapy session a couple days prior. It was one of those sessions where you gain further clarity into who you are, and those are rare. I decided to open up to my wife a little about why it’s so hard for me to just be 100% female at home. I started to speak about roles I have always filled, and how hard it is to not slip into them. She asked me what I meant, and I said, “You know, father, husband…” She stopped me and said, “I don’t see you that way anymore. You stopped being that awhile ago.” The statement should have hurt me. I should have wanted to fight for her love and affection, but instead, I just accepted what she had said. She was right, and I was OK with it.
I know it still hurts her on some level and it hurts me as well. We have been together 20 years, but I think she’s also growing to accept the man she married doesn’t exist, and maybe never did. She stopped wearing her wedding rings a month before, and didn’t wear them for a week. She admitted the night we talked that it didn’t feel right,, and she only started wearing them again so the kids don’t ask questions.
We have become roommates and co-parents, both free to make plans with friends that don’t include the both of us. We still share a bed and bathroom, but that’s also to keep up appearances for the kids. As a family, we are more solid than we have been in a long time, and the kids are happier than they’ve been in a long time. We will stay together for the next few years, and then we will see. I don’t want to stay in a relationship that lacks intimacy, and I don’t think that’s fair to her either. I also don’t think she can or wants to be intimate with me, especially female me, and that’s OK.
I mention intimacy, and that’s another thing I don’t currently care about. My sex drive has gone into deep hibernation, and I can detachedly wonder if it will ever come back. Even if she were to come onto me, I wouldn’t be interested. My reasons come in two parts. The first is, as I have said, my sex drive is almost zero at the moment. I have to seriously talk myself into masturbation, and it takes forever. I now go several days before remembering I need to do the deed, because I’d rather do that then start getting morning erections…those bother me on a dysphoric level, and so I masturbate now to prevent those, rather than because I feel some urge to “get off.”
My second reason has to do with how much I hate my male body sexually, and that hate has only increased on HRT, as parts of my body feminize putting them at odds with those that are slow to do so. I am a trans lesbian, and so the women I am attracted to, if I cared to seek a relationship would not be interested in me because my body still appears far more male than female.. Straight women would expect me to want sex like a man, and I just can’t do that anymore, plus when naked, I clearly have breasts. Anything that I have to do that is “male” takes twice the energy it once did, and so I instead shun those “male” things whenever I can. Fucking like a man…humping, rutting, pounding away…all those euphemisms for how males go about it turn my stomach. I’m simply not capable now. For one who was once so sexually capable as a “man” I have permanently retired from that type of sexual intimacy. If ever sexually intimate again, it will not be until those defining male parts have been removed/turned into the genitals that fit my mind.
Why did I wait over two weeks to write the above? I waited so long because so much of the above thoughts are also interlaced with the wonderful. My female friendships continue to strengthen, while new ones are created. The acceptance of my femaleness, by women, in many ways is more validating than anything else I’ve experienced so far in transition. It’s something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, and while still imperfect, in that only women who know me as a trans woman can accept me that way…it is still a gift given that I cherish. To be confided in, and to be able to confide in others, as only women do with one another, gives me so much peace. I finally get the bonds of female friendship not only on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level I thought I’d never enjoy. Friendships now give me peace and fuel to persevere, and I, in turn can give that to my friends as well.
I was sharing with a girlfriend the other day that if I think I might have hurt a friend’s feelings I no longer worry about first justifying what I did or said. Instead, my concern goes to her feelings first, and my desire to make sure she is ok, and to apologize if need be. Talking about the “why” of what I did can come later. As a “man” I always felt the need to downplay another’s emotional reaction, or to justify why I was right. This has been a huge mental shift in how I interact with others, and one that I am thrilled to experience. I’d rather us laugh about my having over-worried that I hurt a friend’s feelings, than ignore it for the sake of an ego that has no place in my friendships.
My body also continues to change in positive ways, and that makes me happy as well. I don’t want to talk about it too much, as I have an HRT update that will post early next week, but some really good things happened during Month 5, and I will save those for that post.
Getting back to apathy, it gives me the patience to play the long game. I still have my moments where I want to hurry, but more of me doesn’t care if I hurry. I can continue to exist in the world of cis-male privilege a little longer if need be, and I lose nothing. My body and mind will still continue to develop on HRT, regardless of how I am dressed, and it also gives me the time to get hair removal done, as well as any other little things that need attending to before going full-time.
Apathy isn’t always a bad thing if it helps to temper desires that cannot yet become reality. Of course, there is the danger that it can come to permeate everything, but that isn’t a worry I currently have. To be honest, as of late, I’m feeling pretty positive. Friday I begin my Month 6 on HRT, and I can’t believe how fast the past five months have gone. Months 6-12 seem to be where so many see big changes and so how can I not be excited to see what happens moving forward. I feel like like the past few months were setting the foundation of the house, and now the framing and work above ground really can get underway. I’m psyched to begin seeing what kind of house actually emerges.