I honestly meant to write earlier this week, just as I mean to write in a journal nightly…guess what, neither has been happening. Partly, this has been due to getting sick, being busy, and my mental state not being conducive to writing. However, at the very least, my blog can be a solid way for me to chronicle my transition journey, and if just one other girl reads it and says, “Yes! I so relate to what she’s saying,” and it gives her peace of mind, then it’s worth sharing as well.
I am now into my 12th day on HRT, and I can say that this week has started to reveal some emotional and physical changes. These are things that I notice, even when nobody else will, but I thought I would share them here and talk about where I am at with my transition.
On Monday, I was in a great mood and went downstairs to do some yoga. Now, I use or should say I “used” my Xbox 1 to play DVDs, and so I inserted the DVD into the machine, but the machine was failing to recognize it. This is pretty common with the initial release machines, so I kept ejecting and reinserting to try and get it to read the disc, and then it happened. On like the 10th try I bumped the machine by accident, and the disc got stuck. There is a way to manually eject a disc, and my attempt to do so instead of working, broke the machine completely, and my hormones took over.
Immediately, a mix of emotions hit me, irritation, anger, guilt, and sadness? Now, I was used to the irritation and anger hitting me, those, after all, are old friends of mine…but guilt and sadness? Where the hell did they come from? The XB1 was mine, what did I have to feel guilty for? As it hit me more, I began to feel horrible, almost wanting to cry because I had just broken the game system that my kids play most of their games on. My son just bought a game to play on the system, and I felt horrible and sad that he couldn’t play, and that it was my fault. This is not something I have ever really thought about, except maybe in a detached manner, but the feelings wouldn’t leave me.
My wife called me a little later, and here is where I knew my emotions were for real…after talking to me she said she got a little worried telling me that my emotions shifted five times in the three minutes we were on the phone. She said she felt like she was having a conversation with herself…and since then she’s had fun with me on several occasions, but she did worry about me the rest of the day, and even offered to bring me home cheesecake. It was the first time she was understanding in a way that was more woman to woman than wife to husband, and so I give her props for that.
The thing with my emotions is this…my old thought patterns are still there, and at times I can still feel my old reactions rising up, but it’s like I’m developing this filter that allows me to recognize and alter my behavior from emerging. It’s like I’ve developed this ability to think about how my reaction will affect others before I show my ass to the world. Now, it’s still emerging at this point, and I still slip, but I can only see this getting better, and there is a peace that I gain from knowing it.
Tears are always much closer to the surface. Now, I’m not a weepy type of person, and my mother is not a weepy type of person. However, I feel freed up to let tears come without a need to hide them. Commercials, TV shows, music, you name it, things seem to be moving me more than they ever have before. This past weekend, one of my 8 year old soccer players started crying due to a loss, and it had me on a knee giving him a hug and consoling him (while I held back tears because I felt for him). The me of a year ago would never have hugged another person’s child, for fear of being seen as a creep, but I just instinctively reacted to a child in need…no thought, no worry…other than a desire to comfort him.
I’m also more patient to listen to my children, and give them praise. My wife made the comment two nights ago that our house has calmed down again, and that everyone is relaxed once more. This alone give me reason for silent celebration inside. Becoming Allie has stopped me from hurting those closest to me, and instead is now helping me to strengthen bonds that I had begun to weaken with my anger and self-hate.
My wife and and I are getting along better, but there is no doubt our relationship is changing, and this early in the game I can’t say where we will end up, but I think we’re both more at peace with the direction we’re heading, whatever the end result is.
What about physical changes? Surely there wouldn’t be any in less than two weeks, right? Wrong! My skin is doing something weird right now as I’ve started breaking out with zits. I’m not talking like my first puberty, but still, several at one time is a lot, especially as I take good care of my skin. This week saw two big ones emerge on my forehead, and one on the side of my nose. I can’t remember the last time I had a zit on the side of my nose. As to the other physical change…well it deserves it’s own paragraph.
Last night, I was carrying a box down to the basement and slipped, letting a box corner jab into my right pec/breast? I said breast, because the pain that I felt was like nothing I’ve ever felt from that region before, and I’ve torn a pectoral muscle before. The pain shot in a straight line through my body and out my back. Even as I write this, my right nipple is sore with a very slight constant ache. I’m still reticent to say my breasts have started to develop. After all, it’s been 11 days, but one of my girlfriends said that’s around the time she started to feel something, and I am on a high starting dose of HRT. Add to it that I think there might be a bud starting to form on the right side…I’m beginning to possibly accept it. Both of my nipples looked weird last night before going to bed, but I also messed with both quite a bit last night. This morning they both look normal, but the ache came back to the right one, and hasn’t left. Anyways, I’m open to the idea that it might really be starting, but I want to see if the feeling is still there in a week, before I’ll believe fully. All that said…my muscles couldn’t start shrinking before I start to grow boobs?
HRT will do what it does on your body’s timetable, not your mind’s desire, and so as a girl in transition, I just have to accept that, and work on the things I can control. I started voice lessons this past Monday, and I’m not sure if I like my voice coach. To be honest, she kind of rubbed me the wrong way over money. She’s transgender, and should understand the costs that all of us have to deal with. When I tell you I don’t have the money to do a lesson every week, take me at my word. Did she do that…of course not. Instead, she told me that if I’m serious then I need to be committed and that she recommends weekly lessons…and I wanted to say, “Of course you do, sweetheart. You charge $70 a lesson by four equals $280 a month, plus $150 for a monthly therapy session, and oh yeah, my laser hair removal…you need to remember I also have other bills and a family.” I told her I could do two a month…and so I’ve sat on the fence the rest of the week without scheduling anything because she just kind of annoyed me.
Some take exception to calling transition a “selfish” pursuit, but in reality it is (my blog, my opinion), and everyone is allowed some selfish pursuits. It is something almost exclusively for me, and that is O.K. It is something that I need and have to do, but I’m also constantly aware of costs, and others should not have to do without so that I can have stuff, especially not my children. If someone cannot understand that, then what can you do. In her case, she’s young and does not have family of her own yet, so I will probably go back and give her another chance.
I go for a laser hair removal consult on Monday, and so hope to start removing hair shortly, and I’ve already paid for that via Groupon, but I also know I will end up needing electrolysis on my chin and a few sporadic places on my face. I’m also contemplating some waxing. I’ve heard some girls say 3-4 waxings could remove the male hair permanently, as it is replaced with more feminine vellus hairs, but again that may be more of a YMMV from girl to girl.
Finally, I am going to completely revamp my food and workout schedule beginning next week…as soon as I’m over this cold. My weight was plateauing, so time to switch it up. I will now do an hour of yoga three days a week, and an hour of HIIT cardio the other three days…with one day off each week. I’m to a point where an hour of HIIT cardio will burn between 1000-1200 calories…this coupled with a strict 1500 calorie low-protein diet should see my muscle start to shrink. Partnered with HRT I’m hoping the process will go faster. The key is being disciplined and sticking to the program. Girls who say they can’t lose the muscle, simply aren’t doing it right. I could lose the muscle without HRT, but with it I should definitely be able to shed the bulk more quickly. Again, this is something that takes time, but I have the time so why not make use of it.
It’s easy for all transgender people to fall into the trap of wanting it all right now. Of course, I would love to wake up tomorrow and have the bod I’ve always wanted, but that isn’t going to happen. It’s hard for any of us to be patient, but patience is what I must have, because my body isn’t changing over night. At the same time I can look forward to where I will be at six months, a year, 18 months, two years from now. For the most part, right now, it is enough to know things are happening, and that change is occurring. It gives me the peace of mind to get me through each day.