If you follow me on Twitter or are a Facebook friend then you already know what I am about to share, but as of Monday, October 9th…this bitch, yours truly, started HRT!!!
There is a peace of mind for me that goes along with getting on blockers and hormones. I’ve begun a second puberty, the right puberty, and for me that knowledge is self-sustaining. To anyone who has or is transitioning we all know that it comes in stages, and realistically nothing happens overnight, but I feel like my first stage came to a close on Monday. I moved from what I call the acceptance phase to what I’m calling the puberty phase. These are my terms, and they speak to how I see my transition.
Acceptance was all about accepting I was transgender, beginning therapy, and sharing that realization with those I live with. Puberty will be about change. What do I mean by change? Well, HRT is going to change my body and affect my mind, there is no getting around that. These are all changes I welcome and am excited to see…but I’m also a little nervous to see if I won the genetic lottery or not. Some change drastically on HRT and for some those changes can start to happen quickly. For others, changes can be less drastic and/or take a lot more time. Either way, I will be happy, I’m just reminding myself to be patient and to let things happen as they will.
As part of puberty, I will start voice lessons next week, and I will have a consult for laser hair removal the following week. I have also purchased some more clothes I like. Nothing fancy, but just some things I can wear around the house that make me feel more myself. I’m also beginning to realize my sense of style/fashion for what I think my body type will be. My wife can tell you my fashion sense is impeccable, and that I have dressed her for years. This is why my being trans wasn’t a total shock to her once she thought about it (She’d also tell you I have all the insecurities of any woman and always have.). However, I also don’t want to get into fashion or style in this post. I want to wait to discuss until I’m further along, so that I can have fun with the topic.
As for mental changes, I’m already beginning to notice them, and I’m sure most of them are placebo at this point. Just the knowledge I have E in my system, and that T is on th decline can be enough to change outlook. Yesterday, for example, my emotions were on the surface, and I found myself tearing up at anything even slightly sappy on TV. I actually find this hilarious and wonderful at the same time. Feeling freer with my emotions is something I have desired for decades, and now that I feel myself opening up, I feel like I can finally start to be my real self. Although, I did have to stop myself from crying, when hugging one of my soccer players while consoling him, after our only season loss. I also just realized that last season I would never have hugged another person’s kid, but he was upset, crying, and my instincts said to give the little guy a hug and a pep talk.
I’m also more ready to listen this week, without feeling the need to defend or fight back. Monday was exciting for me, but not so much for my wife. She asked about the HRT, but not much more than that. Tuesday night, after telling my son’s therapist that I was transgender (I forgot to mention, we told the kids last weekend about me…see my mind is all over the place at the moment, so I am sorry if this is a shitty post), my wife decided to start with me. Things had been building again within her, and so she needed vent. I expected my starting HRT to be a catalyst, and so it was.
She started with how she realized that she will never have that male passion from me again, and that I’ve ruined it for her. She also admitted that if it wasn’t for the kids that she’d be gone. I expected her to eventually say this, and can I really blame her? I mean, in her shoes I’d be gone too. She went on to tell me that I don’t look at her like I used to, and that I don’t compliment her, that I’ve changed, etc. Some of this is on the mark, and some isn’t quite fair in my opinion, but I listened without defending. In the end, we agreed that we needed to try and rebuild our intimacy, and I’m not talking sex…that would be way down the road at the moment, if ever. I’m talking about our connection to one another, and so we will try and do that. I admitted that I had been holding back my real self out of fear of wigging her out. She said to stop and be myself, and that if she was wigged out she would tell me. She is still hurt by my actions during the summer, but also realizes now that I was literally “out of my mind” this summer, and that the person she was seeing wasn’t in her right mind. It doesn’t make her hurt less, but it does allow her to forgive. She also told me that I have some serious ass kissing to do.
I also found out her parents know about me. Apparently, her father saw me looking at a trans timeline and thought I was having an affair with a transwoman. She didn’t want him to think I was cheating, and so told him the truth. She says her parents are accepting and supportive, but simply worry about where she’ll end up. I would expect nothing less.
Where will we end up? Worst case scenario, as we see it, is that we continue to live together for a few years because of the kids, but that we simply become best friends and decide to separate. Best case scenario would be we find a way to be intimate on all levels again, not because of our genitals, but because just being with the other person is what we need. We can’t know for sure where we will end up for a few years yet, but we have agreed to be open and honest with one another.
I do know there will be other serious conversations moving forward, and I have to be willing to listen each time one pops up. I also can’t know what I will want yet. There are so many unknowns, so many changes yet to come. Will I only like women? Will I also like men? Will I like both? Will I feel the need to explore my sexuality. Will she like “Allie” Will Allie be a person she wants to be with, or a person she can be intimate with. My hope is that she will, but that is right now. I can’t say who I will be two to three years down the road. There are just too many unknowns that stretch out before us.
I know there is more I could be saying, but I’m not joking when I say my mind really isn’t working at 100% currently. Right now, I don’t have any serious issues to work through…I’m feeling positive about the future, and can’t wait to see where it goes. As long as I get to live life as “me” I feel like I can deal with anything that might come my way.
As for the third stage of my transition…I call that “full-time” but that is still a ways off, and I’m not going to speculate on how that will be, as there is no honest way I can know right now…I can say I am looking forward to it more than anything, and that it will include switching documents, coming out at work, and leaving my dead name behind in favor of the one I have chosen. However, until then, I will focus on the now and take each day as it comes.