Ok, being a little cheeky with the title this time around. I’m actually feeling pretty good as I write this, but was feeling pretty shitty this morning…Dysphoria…it’s a BITCH!!!
Since my last post some good things have happened. First, my wife and I had a nice date on Saturday, and we had a good conversation. She was good with me beginning to express a little more…just baby steps…but I don’t want to hide things like painting my toes or wearing pretty undies…that said I did say I’d be discreet as my kids don’t know I’m trans yet, but do my kids really need to know what underwear I’m wearing?
I also coached my daughter’s soccer team to a 10-1 victory on Saturday. She is probably the best player on her team (one boy is close) which always makes a parent glow. She scored 4 goals and had 4 killer saves in goal. Don’t know where her aggression and competitive spirit came from, but it is definitely there this year.
The rest of the weekend was just about relaxing and not doing much of anything, which is never a bad thing. Yesterday, my daughter wanted to paint my toes (Yes, please!) and so now I’m rocking a bright pink, and it just felt right. That coupled with some body hair removal and new underwear left me feeling pretty content as the holiday weekend came to a close.
Today, did not start out so well, because my dysphoria demon decided to pay me a visit when I looked in the mirror this morning. It piled on more when I stepped on the scale by saying I’ll never get my weight down to where I want it to be, so why even bother, and so I spent the morning doing battle with myself, but the afternoon sent the demon packing.
I made contact with a gender specialist I intend to see for HRT, once I have my therapist letter. Dr. Lowell will be the first doctor in Atlanta to open a practice specializing in serving transgender patients and their needs. While she is not an endocrinologist, she has already worked with Emory University to establish a gender clinic, and her practice will also service transgender people throughout the southeast. Her dedication to the transgender population and herself being a member of the LGBT community goes a long way with me. Her practice won’t be up and running fully until October (not taking insurance yet), but she took the time to email back and forth with me today, and we’ve come up with a plan that could see me start HRT by my birthday, and that has me very happy right now. She seemed very down to earth, and I just got warm vibes from our email conversation. I’m looking forward to meeting her, but that also means I need to step up my weight loss…I’m about halfway to where I minimally want to be when I start HRT, and it is realistic to think I can get there with a little dedication.
All of this makes me wonder where I will be at this time next year. I mean, I can’t even begin to picture what will happen. Will the changes be big, minimal, somewhere in between? How will the kids take it? How will the wife react to said changes? I mean I could go on and on with the questions. I know there will be ups and downs throughout that year, but I’m trying to approach the future with hope and optimism. I’m excited to see where 2018 takes me. It’s a very real possibility that I could be living full time as Allie before I turn 45, and that thought almost takes my breath away…to finally be myself all the time? I don’t know if I have the words yet to describe the enormity of that in my mind. I’m sure as time goes by I will be able to do so a little bit at time, and I think that is also a good reason to keep this journal going.
Anyways, right now I’m going to ride the high I’m feeling, because I know tomorrow could take me down again, but for now I’m not going to think about it. Instead, I will choose to live in the now and enjoy the feelings I’m currently experiencing. Right now, at this very moment, it feels pretty good to be me.